Thoughts from a Fruitless CT Scan

From May 2013

My phone rang this morning. The news was no good.

Nothing….they found “nothing remarkable”…….again. I’ve done every scan known to man and they have found diddley-squat. They have 2 guesses; colon spasms and endometriosis (which requires exploratory surgery to confirm). I’ve been in pain since the beginning of January.

I cried. I feel hopeless…….frustrated….abandoned by God. I’ve begged and pleaded for Him to let them find what is wrong with me. I feel like He’s ignoring me. I’m not a hypochondriac. The pain is real.

I went to work feeling sorry for myself. Went straight to my duties trying not to be obviously disheartened……pretty much consumed with thoughts of self. An hour or so later, my boss came in looking disheveled. Normally his faith is pretty strong, but today, he was notably forlorn. He said he knows God has a plan regardless of his circumstances.

Then it hits me, how wrapped up in myself I truly am. It wasn’t just the encounter with my boss though. Some of the people in Oklahoma, who have lost everything to tornado destruction, have more hope and faith than me right now. I sit here on my laptop on my plush couch waiting for dinner to finish simmering on the stove while my dudes watch NFL network, feeling incredibly discouraged.

Shame on me.

I think I’m going to stop praying for answers, start praying that I learn whatever lesson I’m supposed to learn in this trial and praise Him for all the things I do have and for the fact that there is nothing life-threatening wrong with me. I’m going to refocus my thoughts and prayers on others who need the support.

Natural disasters have always been something that yanks at my heartstrings. My heart is broken for all of those who have lost loved ones, lost homes, lost health, lost hope, lost faith.

To everyone in Oklahoma, I’ll stop being all about me and start praying for you. For those of you who don’t have the strength to pray, I’ll do it for you. For those of you who are angry with God, I’ll plead your case for you. For those of you who have no faith right now, I’ll carry your faith for you. For those of you who feel hopeless, I’ll ask God for blessings for you.